Vanfanfic Mailing List: Memoirs Of The Insane
by Rift1
Summary: Another experiment in progress, but I promise to update as fast as I possibly can on this one. *takes deep breath* VANFANFIC MEMBERS! READ AND REVIEW!* XD
1. The Blue Pill or the red pill?

Vanfanfic Mailing List: Memoirs  
By Rift  
Pheer My Leet Skillz: This is, obviously, a fanfic about all the authors in the Vanfanfic Mailing List at Yahoo. This is planned to be an on-going project with multiple chapters, each chapter either featuring a new author newly swept into the fray or a subject me and my colleagues could think up. Suggestions are greatly encouraged, if not needed - send 'em along with your review.   
Why do this, you ask? So as to show the whole fanfic.net community we're not just sitting around looking SMART - we're trying to immortalize a great anime here. Oh, and net some new blood in the process. Bwehehehehe.  
And so the rabbi said to the nun: Vandread belongs to Gonzo. Authors and their likenesses, monikers and personalities belong to their own respective minds. This fic belongs to Rift Industries. Remember that this is made just for the fun of it - we're not directly hitting anybody with insults here.   
  
Well, check that. Except for that Pak The Sound Of The Silent Sniper guy. I never liked him.  
  
Ja!  
Rift  
  
Scene One:   
Morning. The Vanfanfic Corporation Building - a place only the most refined, most talented of authors can enter to compare and read finely-written prose about Vandread. Near the entrance we could see many authors, experienced and newbie, young and...not-so-young milling around, talking to themselves, scribbling into notebooks and palmtops. But all have one thing in common: to finally get the coveted title of being a Vanfanfic Mailing List Author.  
  
Which would only require one to sign up, but what the hey. People are lazy nowadays.  
  
And sitting near the Nirvana Zen Fountain that decorates the front, grassy lawn of the building, we see four young authors - each bearing the Vanfanfic insignia pin on their business suits. One is lazily typing into his laptop, two are fighting over cookies and one is busily smoking a cigarette, puffing-puffing.  
  
Eagle:*frantically trying to reach the cookie shadowD is waving at her* Mou! shadowD-san! If you don't give me that cookie right now I'll...  
  
shadowD:*leering* You'll what? *waving cookie in front of eagle's nose* Kochi, kochi! Come get the delicious cookie!   
  
Eagle:*frustrated* SHADOWD!! Hidoi! Rift-kun, can you help me with...  
  
Rift:*typing, one key at a time, muching lazily into a tuna sandwich* If you do not deliver three million to the swiss bank account I stated earlier AND a good review to an author's fic of my choice, I promise that something VERY bad will happen. Not now, not next week. But when you least expect it. P.S. I know people. Bad people. Who like to break things. Big things. No one will ever find your corpse. Ja ne. *looks up to Eagle* Hmm? You were saying something?  
  
shadowD/eagle:*sweatdropping at what Rift had just typed and said* Uh....nai...eheheheh....  
  
Rift:*seeing the cookie* Ah, sou. Well, fight amongst yourselves, but please let me out of it. *turns to keyboard and begins typing again* I'm in the middle of work.  
  
Eagle:*whispering to shadowD* What's with Rift?  
shadowD:*whispering back* What? What's wrong?  
  
Eagle: Look, no psychodementia. No urge to destroy everything in sight. Hell, you haven't even been hit ONCE by a fan.  
  
shadowD:*thoughtfully* You have a point there.. Hmm...oh, yeah. Rift just drank coffee a few minutes ago, so everything's in the green.  
  
Eagle:*nodding* Sou, sou. Oh, and...  
  
shadowD: What?  
  
Eagle: SNATCH! *grabs cookie from shadowD's hand, and leaps away* Yosha!  
  
shadowD: HEY!  
  
Eagle:*with light blazing behind her, Ala Mario Sunshine* COOKIE....*raises cookie in air with one hand*...GET!  
  
shadowD: Why you....*reaches into his pocket*  
  
Enishi:*puffing on her cigarette* Uh oh. This could get ugly.  
  
Rift:*seeing shadowD* Enishi, my attache case, please.  
  
Enishi: Hai hai.  
  
shadowD:*bringing out, of all things, a POKEBALL from his pocket* You'll pay for that!   
  
Rift:*smiling* Arigato! *humming a dirge cheerfully, unlocking the case and opening it*  
  
Enishi:*grinning* Doitashimashite.  
  
Eagle:*talking with her mouth full of cookie, thus spraying Rift with cookie bits* HA! You and what army?  
  
shadowD: THIS! *throws pokeball in front of eagle* Dark Scizor, I CHOOSE YOU!  
  
Eagle:*aghast* S..Sonna...  
  
shadowD:(cheesy, exaggerated one-liner mode) Now you shall feel my awesome, sexy power! Scizor! CUT ATTACK!  
  
Scizor: Scizorrr! *launches itself at eagle, claws ready*  
  
Rift:*brushing away any cookie crumbs* If you could kindly do the honors.  
  
Enishi:*smiling* Gladly. *clasps hands, and starts chanting*   
  
Eagle:*arms coming up to defend herself* IYAA! DAME -  
  
Enishi:*opening eyes, and pointing to the Scizor* AKAI TENJO!!   
  
shadowD: WHAT?!  
  
Eagle:*cringes, then realizes that nothing's happened to her* Are?  
*At that instant, about a dozen or so scrolls - all the same, with ominous black kanji scribbled all over them - flew from Enishi's backpack and straight up to the Scizor, binding it claw and foot*  
  
Enishi:winking at Rift* Your turn.   
  
Rift:*spinning two oversized handguns, namely Ebony and Ivory from Devil May Cry, one in each hand* Heh. Time to go to work, guys. *aims at the Scizor in midair*  
  
Enishi:*grinning, covering her ears* Looks like we have a winner.  
  
shadowD:*aghast, in slow motion* N-O-O-O-O-Ooooooo.....  
  
Rift: Jackpot. *begins firing*  
  
Scizor: EEP! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
Eagle:*sweatdopping* Ehehehe....um...Rift?  
  
Rift:*lowering one pistol* Devil Trigger..*charges for a final shot, purple elemental lightning going from arm to gun* Swicchi - ON! *fires a shot of pure electricity at the Scizor in midair*  
  
Scizor:*swirly-eyed* Scizorscizorscizor...*gets fried by the lightning shot* SCIZOOOORRRR!   
  
Enishi: Hee...sugoi desu ne... Definitely a nice shot.  
  
shadowD:*kneeling on the ground* No...no...  
  
Eagle: Yatta! *hugging Rift by the neck* Arigato!  
  
Rift: Um, hai. *turning to shadowD* You know the ground rules, shadowD. No pokemon inside the compound or OUT. Besides - *placing the guns back into the attache case* -you know EXACTLY how I feel about Pokemon.  
  
shadowD:*enraged* BUT RIFT! That was a level 100 Scizor I just trained! You didn't have to -   
  
Enishi: But we did. *stuffing the many scrolls of the Evil Sutra into her backpack* Well,   
unfortunately, it didn't seem Level 100 to us. Oh, and...*tosses a pokeball with the fainted Scizor inside* I think this belongs to you.  
  
shadowD:*teary-eyed* Sonna...Scizor...*hangs head* Yappari. Failed. Again.  
  
Rift:*clapping shadowD on the back* There, there, Pokemon Master. There's always next time. *turning back to laptop* Sou ka. Where was I? Hmm...now where do I click...sou. Checkku Mail, checkku...  
  
Enishi:*peering over Rift's shoulder* Wow. That's some nice porno you have there.  
  
Rift: Porno. Riiiight. *clicking at a Gun Magazine Website* Yeah, I guess it is pretty hot. Oh, wait a minute. *reaches into attache case, and pulls out a cookie* Eagle-kun!  
  
Eagle: Hai?  
  
Rift: Cookie. *throws it toward her*  
  
Eagle: GIMME! *catches it*  
  
Ktx:*coming into the scene* Hey guys. What's -*looks at a typing Rift, an Eagle happily munching on a cookie, an irate Enishi trying to stuff the Sutra of Evil into her backpack and a skulking shadowD* - up?  
  
Enishi:*zipping her bag up* Oh, nothing you need to know.  
  
Ktx:*seeing the still-smoking bullet casings on the ground* So you say...   
  
Eagle:*swallowing* Etto...shadowD-san attacked me with one of his pokemon again, but Rift and Enishi blew it away. In style. *grins*  
  
Ktx:*freaking out* AGAIN?!  
  
Rift:*tapping away at laptop* Most people call it stubborness. Others, persistence. I call it gluttony for punishment.   
  
Ktx: Demo....Grounds Regulation thirteen-thirty-two...  
  
Enishi:*puffing on her cigarette* We know. He knows. Still the boy persists. *looking down at the sulking shadowD* Ne, do you really want to lose both the Pokemon Cup Championship AND the membership THAT bad? If this gets out...  
  
shadowD: Heck no! *dusting himself off as he gets up* Besides, there's always next time-*WHAP*   
HEY! *turns abruptly to Rift* YOU!  
  
Rift:*still tapping away* Hai?  
  
shadowD:*blinking* Oh. Nothing. *turns, and sees Enishi* YOU!!  
  
Enishi:*stubbing out her spent cigarette* What?  
  
shadowD:*sweatdropping* Oh. Um, my bad. *turns to Eagle, who's hiding a large metal fan behind her back, grinning* You....  
  
Enishi: You were off guard. She HAD to do it. *giggles*  
  
Ktx: Oh, good one, Eagle-kun. *high-fives Eagle*  
  
Rift: Don't you remember me giving Enishi the fan after the last time we talked?   
  
shadowD: Oh. Right. *rubbing his head* I remember...  
  
Eagle: You'd better - because if you attack me with another one of your pokemon again I'll hit you so hard you'd have permanent fan face - *brandishing fan threateningly at shadowD* and then I'll shove it right up your -  
  
shadowD: OH YEAH?! *preparing to take out another PokeBall* I OUGHTA -  
  
Ktx:*coughing* Ehem.   
  
*At that instant, a Lincoln Stretch Towncar with the vanity plate 'BIGHONCHO' pulls up at the driveway of the Vanfanfic Corporation building. The door opens, and out steps Ender, President and Founder of Vanfanfic Inc. Fans and newbie authors quickly surround him, asking questions and reviews for their work - Ender just smiles and works his way through the crowd, to shadowD and the others.*  
  
Rift:*standing up and closing laptop* Let's go, men. *Eagle and Enishi glares at him* Uh, women included. *coughs*  
  
Eagle: Hai hai...*brushes imaginary lint from her dress*  
  
Enishi: *popping a breath mint, and sees Rift looking at her* What? I don't want to smell like cigarette smoke. That's all.  
  
Rift: So you say...  
  
shadowD:*re-adjusts his tie* All set.  
  
Ktx: Hai hai...*sighs* Let's get this over with, shall we?  
  
Ender:*arriving* Hey, everyone.  
  
Minna: Osu.  
  
Ender:*looking around* Everything all right here?  
  
Eagle:*piping up* Er, shadowD-*gets elbowed in the ribs* OW! Hey!  
  
shadowD: Um, hai. More or less. Right, guys?  
  
Rift:*shrugging* Maa, ii.  
  
Ktx: Fine, fine...  
  
Enishi: Whatever.  
  
Ender: Really now....well, into the conference room, everyone.   
I've got an announcement I have to make.  
  
Rift:*munching cookies along with eagle* You're getting married?  
  
Ender:*laughing* Well, no, I -  
  
Eagle: You're going to switch courses?  
  
Ender:*frowning* I'd rather not. But I really -  
  
Enishi: You're getting a nose job?  
  
Ender: No, I'm not...*facepalms* Look! Just get into the building and wait in the conference room, okay? Clear?  
  
All except Ender: Hai hai...  
  
Silence.  
  
Rift: Do what now?  
  
Ender:*pissed* YOU HEARD ME!  
  
All except Ender:*scared* H-hai! *runs into the building*  
  
Ender:*sighing* Mortals. Tsk. *Meia taps his shoulder from behind* Eh?  
  
Meia:*handing Ender a martini* Your drink, *sir*.  
  
Ender:*looks blankly at her, then laughs* Meia-san! I forgot all about the bet...what was it? Personal attendant for a whole month?  
  
Meia:*fuming* How was I supposed to know you were that good at playing poker? God, I shouldn't have let Gascogne challenge me into taking you on...  
  
Ender: Well, you people were pretty bored up in Nirvana, were you?  
  
Meia: I guess so. *sighs* Maa, ii. At least it's not so bad - no Misty for a whole month! I mean, I know she means well, but...*shudders*  
  
Ender:*swallowing martini* Oh, it is bad, when you have a job like mine. That's why I need the alcohol.  
  
Meia:*seeing the authors bicker in the lobby* I can see that. *both laugh, and step into the building*  
***  
  
Tsuzuku...To Be Continued, dummy.  
Pant...pant....FIRST CHAPTER COMPLETED!!  
Thanks goes to shadowD and Eagle for convincing me to make this fic...you guys are absolutely insane...but I guess we all are. :D Love ya. 


	2. Stop trying to hit me and hit me!

Vanfanfic Mailing List: Memoirs of The Insane  
Chapter Two.  
Stop trying to hit me and hit me: The second chapter. What the hell. I aim to please. Again, if you've just read this piece and suddenly it hit you that 'Hey, I'm one of these freaks!', you are obliged to review, and send a topic for us to discuss here. It can be anything. HELP. I can only think up so much. If I run out of ideas, well - I'd probably start quoting bible passages, and we'd all be in some shit.  
  
OMG OMG shadowD totally r0x0rs!!!!1....not: Again, Vandread belongs to Gonzo. Authors' likenesses, personalities, monikers and such belong to them and to them only. Pokemon references are used solely for entertainment value - and belongs to the guy who thought ALL of them up. Any others that I have not mentioned belong to their respective owners. And please, if you're angered by any remark I or my colleagues here make, please sink your head into a bucket of cold ice water before posting flames like 'YOu SUUUCCKK' or 'GO 2 HEL ND DIE U SICK MOTHERFUKER!!!!111'. This is a fanfic - an humor category fic at that. People today need more cheering up than ever - what with the Iraq/US situation. Besides, if insults and beration were the only point of this fic, I should have just written a blatant, abhorrent MST instead...   
  
Before I forget: Pak The Sound Of The Silent Sniper, you sorry little insect. Your days are NUMBERED.  
  
Scene Two: The Vanfanfic Corporation Main Lobby. If the outside of the building looked extravagant and to others, downright stupid rich, it is here where the astronomical amount of money used to build this architectural and luxurious wonder is not only slapped into your face, but rubbed into it as well. With red wall-to-wall shag carpeting, rare cels of Vandread and Samurai X framed into the walls (with the occasional Hentai Doujinshi frame), and thousands of cute otetsudais at your beck and call - most people consider just stepping into this lobby the ultimate zenith in their lives. It is, as they call it, the 'rabbi who shtupped the nun in the ziggurat's basement.' Or...something like that. I wasn't listening.  
  
Anyway, in this illustrious lobby we see five authors, namely Eagle(whose serial number totally escapes me even if it's made up of four numerals, don't ask), shadowD, Rift, Enishi and Ktx(each complete with standard issue Vanfanfic Membership Pin and accessories, sold seperately) making their way to the main elevator, arguing as they go along - in heated debate, we can only comprehend what these mentally-unstable individuals are fighting about...one word, however, is predominant, uttered repeatedly to maximum effect - and to disastrious results.  
  
Eagle:*wailing* COOKIE!   
  
shadowD:*tearing fistfuls of hair out of his head* For the hundredth time - I'm all out! Look! *turns out pockets, and pokeballs fall out* SEE?!  
  
Eagle:*Chibi version, almost screaming, clinging to Ktx* C-O-O-O-O-KIE!  
  
Ktx:*sweatdropping* A-ano....  
  
Enishi:*flipping open one of her butterfly knives* May I?  
  
Rift:*dialling a number on cellphone* If you're planning to throw that, I suggest you aim at shadowD's left back pocket..  
  
Enishi: Why?  
  
Rift: You'll see. *puts cellphone to ear* Moshi moshi....is this collect?  
  
Enishi:*shrugs, then throws the knife at shadowD's pants, ripping his back pockets open - and from them falls multiple packs of cookies*  
  
shadowD: What the...  
  
Eagle:*seeing the cookies* USO TSUKI! *lunging at shadowD, fan in hand* COOKIE!  
  
shadowD:*screaming* EEEEYAARRGGHH!!! *WHAP* *CRACK* *SMASH*   
  
Ktx:*covering eyes, whimpering* The humanity. Oh, the dreadful humanity.  
  
Enishi:*smirking* Fifteen-hit hyper combo finish. *claps*   
  
Rift:*talking on cellphone* Zuri-san, I know, but I'm....hai, hai. I'll send Hibiki right away. I know, but that doesn't mean...oh, do what you want. Just don't corrupt her TOO much, ne? Ne? Moshi moshi? Zuri-*turns cellphone off* Great. Thank you, Rift, for giving me back the love of my life. Thank you, Rift, for giving me back my sex slave. *mutters darkly* If that girl can't learn to say even a few words of appreciation I'll...  
  
Enishi:*laughing* Sex slave? What, you're a pimp now?  
  
Rift:*shoving cellphone back into bag* Hardly. Just a little detective service I provide now and then. This girl, Zuri, wanted me to find Hibiki, her *fingers miming quotation marks* 'best friend'. Took me three weeks. Now, Zuri's too busy re-acquainting herself to her 'best friend' that she can't even pay the measly fee. *breathes* Bitch. Oh, here we are. *presses 'call elevator' on the wall near the Elevator entrance*  
  
Enishi:*eyes widening* Yuri? As in?  
  
Rift:*nodding* Yup.  
  
Enishi:*shrugging* Well, at least it's not Yaoi. *shudders* I can't believe some of us are really into THAT stuff. I mean, sure, the guys look sexy, but Yaoi is...is...  
  
Rift: Watching two effeminate bishounen get into a room, grunt a lot and walk funny. In a word, wrong.  
  
Enishi: That sums it up, I guess. *sees eagle coming towards them* Oops, time to shut up.  
  
5Rift: Gotcha.  
  
Eagle:*carrying an armful of cookies and chomping one* Nani? I heard something about a sex slave?  
  
Rift:*sweatdropping* Me and my big mouth. Uh, it's nothing, really. Right, Enishi?  
  
Enishi: Huh? But I thought you said...*Rift glares at her* Oh. Right. Yup. Nothing.  
  
shadowD:*being carried by Ktx, bruised and beaten* Actually, I think I heard you say that -  
  
Rift:*tapping attache case* We need a new Pokemon representative, and we need to jettison the old one into outer space, full of bullet holes? Hmm? Is that WHAT I said?  
  
shadowD:*sweatdropping* Uh...nevermind.  
  
Rift: Thought so.  
  
Eagle:*turning sour* I knew it. You guys are talking around me again! Mou - I thought we discussed this at length already! You don't have to censor everything you say, I'm old enough!  
  
Rift:*raising eyebrow* Well, you're not getting corrupted by me, that's for sure. God knows I left that job to someone else.   
  
Eagle:*shaking Rift* C'mon, tell!  
  
Rift:*re-adjusting glasses while being shaken* Kindly bother someone else. I really don't like the attention - *glasses falls off* Oh, for heaven's sake. *picks glasses up*   
  
Eagle:*turns to Enishi, and starts to shake her* E-NI-SHI-SAN...!!!  
  
Enishi:*lighting up a cigarette* No dice. Gomen. *puffs* You know I'd hate you to get as corrupt as I am.   
  
Eagle:*shaking Enishi harder* But I don't mind - hell, I've been corrupted just by staying with you guys!  
  
Enishi:*lightly pushing Enishi off* Maybe some other time. *grins* When you're older.  
  
Eagle:*turns to Ktx* KTX! You're MY PRE-READER! TELL ME...  
  
Ktx:*shakes head* No, sorry. I can't. *whispering to Rift* Dammit, Rift -  
  
Rift:*astounded* Now WHAT did I do?  
  
Ktx:*seething* You know very well WHAT you did! She'll never let me hear the end of it now! God - I was looking forward to dying at least with at least ONE good night's sleep!   
  
Rift:*blinking* Sou desu yo? *opens up attache case*  
  
shadowD:*flinching* ACK!   
  
Rift:*cross* What? *takes out PDA from the case*  
  
shadowD:*sighing* Oh. Good. *aside* I thought Rift was going to take out those damn guns again.  
  
Rift: But I wasn't going to.  
  
shadowD:*aghast* What? You heard me?  
  
Rift: Hai. Didn't you hear him, guys?  
  
Ktx: Sure did.  
  
Enishi: Yup.  
  
Eagle: Same here.  
  
shadowD: But that was an aside! You guys shouldn't be able to hear an aside!  
  
Eagle: But we did.  
  
shadowD:*sulking* Well, shit.  
  
Rift: Idiot. *scribbling on the PDA* Well, that takes care of Ktx-san. Now all that's left is...*mumbles some authors' monikers, barely discernible*  
  
Enishi:*looking over Rift's shoulder* Dammit, Rift, would it kill you to leave at least one of us emotionally unscarred?  
  
Rift:*closing PDA shut* Why do you think I've been keeping my hands AWAY from Eagle-kun's mind?   
  
Enishi:*blinking* Oh. Now that you mention it...  
  
Rift:*nodding* Sou, sou.   
  
shadowD: Another one bites the dust.  
  
Rift:*pressing the 'Call Elevator button several times* This elevator is SURELY taking its time getting from the second floor to the ground floor.  
  
Enishi:*absently tapping ash onto shadowD's head* Oh, it'll be here. Maybe it got stuck.   
  
shadowD: HEY!  
  
Enishi: Oops. Gomen. *pats ash off shadowD's hair*  
  
Rift:*glancing at watch, then looks up as Elevator rings* Here it is. Just in...*elevator doors open, revealing ANOTHER author, Violent_S, with hair mussed and suit more or less untucked and disheveled - along with a secretary in also the same messy state. Lipstick marks almost cover Violent_S's face.*...time?  
  
Minna: o_O;;;;;;;  
  
Secretary:*frantically trying to fix herself* Uh, good morning, everyone - the Conference room is ready for your arrival. Now if you'll excuse me....*pushes past them, and disappears into the lobby*  
  
Violent_S:*lazily tucking his shirt into his pants, shouting after the retreating secretary* Call me, okay? My number's on the phone book....   
  
Minna:*staring blankly at Violent_S*....  
  
Eagle:*pointing* Hentai. Heeentaii.  
  
shadowD:*facepalms* Of all the...  
  
Violent_S:*wiping lipstick off his face* What? Oh. Well, you see, we kind of...  
  
Rift:*raising hand* I don't want to hear it. *gets into elevator* The last thing I need is another mental image of what transpired here. Eagle-kun!  
  
Eagle: Hai hai! *gets beside Rift, happily munching another cookie*  
  
Enishi:*getting in elevator as well, scrunching up her nose* Is nothing sacred, Violent? Really?  
  
Violent_S:*re-adjusting his tie* It *just* happened. Sue me.  
  
Rift:*kicking what seems to be the secretary's underwear out of the elevator* Do you *really* want me to take you up in that offer?  
  
Enishi: Now, now, Rift. You promised to be nice.  
  
Violent_S: Look, she just came on to me. How the hell was I supposed to know?   
  
shadowD: Yeah, right. Suuure you didn't.   
  
Ktx: Uh, I'm afraid to ask, but what floor?  
  
Eagle:*reaching for another cookie* Tenth.   
  
Ktx: Hai. *presses the button labelled '10', and the elevator doors close*  
  
Rift:*muttering*  
  
Violent_S: And what are you doing now?  
  
Rift:*blinking* Eh? Oh, praying. I make it a habit to ask for divine forgiveness when I'm stuck in an enclosed space with any of you. Better be safe than burning in he-  
  
Eagle:*tapping foot* Rift-san...  
  
Rift:*sighing* Hai.  
  
*suddenly, the speaker above begins to play cheesy elevator music - all more or less hum along, except for Rift, who's busily trying to ignore it*  
  
Eagle:*realizing there's no cookies left* Are? Um...Rift-san, do you have any cookies for me? *tugs at sleeve* Rift?  
  
Rift:*fists clenching* Not...now...  
  
shadowD:*pops up* Ah-HA! Now I know your weakness! The key for your defeat is finally mine for the taking! HAHAHAHA!   
  
Violent_S:*getting the living daylights scared out of him* GAH! *jumps away from shadowD* Stay away from me! I'll give you fifty bucks!  
  
shadowD: What?  
  
Enishi:*giggling* I forgot. Rift SO hates elevator music of any kind.   
  
shadowD:*nodding, holding chin* Sou, sou. Some people really can hide their weaknesses. I mean, look. Crying babies shut up when Rift's around. But now....*lightning strikes* I've GOT THE POWER! BWAHAHAHAHA*WHAP* HEY!  
  
Enishi:*grinning* Boom, baby.  
  
Violent_S: Ooh. Ow. That's got to hurt.   
  
Eagle:*tapping fan menacingly on one hand* Oh, it does. But shadowD-san's mind clearly can't make the connection of do something stupid equals getting hurt BAD. *calls out sweetly to the prone shadowD* Ne, shadowD-KUN?  
  
shadowD:*standing up, rubbing head* Hai...  
  
Rift:*looking at the numbers flashing by the elevater HUD* Fourth floor....fifth floor...sixth floor...come on, come on...*wipes sweat off brow*  
  
Enishi:*tugs at Rift's arm* Daijobu?  
  
Rift: Hai. I'll probably make it. So long Asereje doesn't come on.  
  
Eagle:*piping up* But what if it does?  
  
Rift:*shuddering* I go beyond my limit.   
  
Violent_S:*talking to someone on cellphone* Yeah. Yeah. I'll see you later, baby. What? Oh, I don't mind. *looking at Rift* Oh, a coworker having a psychological episode. No biggie. Rift does it all the time.   
  
Rift:*cleaning glasses* I'm calm. There is no reason to worry.  
  
Enishi: Fine, but tell me when, okay?  
  
Rift: Hai.  
  
Enishi: Gambatte.  
  
Violent_S:*edging ever so slightly to eagle, a pack of cookies in his hand* Hey, Cookie girl.  
  
Eagle:*beaming* Nani? *sees the cookies* COOKIES! For me?  
  
Violent_S:*smirking* Yeah.  
  
Eagle: Arigato! *grabs cookies, and begins eating*  
  
Violent_S: So, eagle - look. I've got two tickets to the Gatekeepers 21 show tomorrow night and I'm here to give you the honor of being my...*sees that eagle had completely devoured all the cookies*...date?  
  
Eagle: Date? Umm...gomen. *grins sheepishly* Rift is teaching me how to bake my own cookies. Right, Rift-san?  
  
Rift: Huh? Oh, right. *wipes sweat away from brow with handkerchief* I guess so.  
  
Violent_S: Oh. Well, that's okay. I never liked kids anyway.  
  
Eagle: HEY!  
  
Violent_S:*turns to Enishi* Come on, baby. Light mah fayaaaahhh.  
  
Enishi:*lighting another cigarette* Excuse me?  
  
Violent_S: Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing.   
  
Enishi:*puffing* I'm sorry, but your point, I'm not quite getting.  
  
Violent_S: Okay. You. Me. Gatekeepers 21. Tomorrow night. Whaddaya say?  
  
Enishi: Err...no thanks. I'd rather not. Sorry, but I have some things I have to take care of.  
  
Violent_S: What things?  
  
Enishi: Just...things. *edges slightly away*  
  
Violent_S: Oh.   
  
shadowD:*begins humming 'Shot Down In Flames*  
  
Violent_S: Oh, Eagle-kun? shadowD's making faces at you again.  
  
Eagle:*turns, brandishing fan* KONNO YAROU!!  
  
shadowD: EYAARRGGHH!!! *WHAP* *CRACK* *SMASH*   
  
Enishi:*tightly squeezing Rift's hand* Come on, deep breaths. Relax. Think of...of...um, pancake batter. Yeah. Think.  
  
Eagle:*whispering* Pancake batter?   
  
shadowD:*whispering* Rift loves to cook. Pancakes mostly.  
  
Rift:*breathing deeply, calming down* Yeah. Stirring, stirring -  
  
Elevator Speaker: ASEREJE - JA - REJE -   
  
Enishi: Uh-oh.  
  
Eagle:*scared* Abunai..desu yo....  
  
Rift:....  
  
shadowD: Hold Rift back. Quick.  
  
Rift:*spinning Ebony and Ivory* ASEREJE THIS, FREAK - *raises both guns up to the speaker but is being held back by Violent_S and shadowD* LET GO OF ME! THIS IS EVIL! I -NEED- TO DESTROY -  
  
Violent_S: We've got a lively one here...  
  
Eagle:*shrinking back* Rift-san...  
  
Enishi: Oh dear. Uh...*takes some holy water, dabs some on her right thumb and rubs a cross mark on Rift's forehead* In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit -  
  
Rift:*going berserk* DESTROY! ERADICATE! OBLITERATE -  
  
shadowD:*grabs ampoule of holy water* Here, let me. *splashes Rift with holy water, most of it entering Rift's mouth* CHRIST'S NAME COMPELS YOU! JESUS' NAME COMPELS YOU -  
  
Rift: GACK! *chokes, then spits out holy water* YUCK! shadowD, what the hell are you doing?  
  
shadowD: Um, you know, like in The Exorcist, where these priest guys begin spraying this girl possessed by a demon with holy water and -  
  
Rift: Never mind. *wipes tounge with tissue* God, that tastes awful. Um, Enishi, do you have any candies on you?   
  
Enishi:*tossing Rift some gum* Here. Enjoy.  
  
Rift: Arigato. *pops gum in mouth* Oh, and before I forget...  
  
Elevator Speaker: Asereje - ja -reje....  
  
Rift: Time to die. *raises Ivory without looking up, and fires a shot*   
  
Elevator Speaker: bubupibupididipi-*BLAM* *KRZZT* *CRACKLE*  
  
Violent_S: Nice shot.  
  
*Suddenly, alarms began to ring inside the elevator, making everyone jump in fright*  
  
shadowD: What the -  
  
Elevator Speaker: Warning, warning. Firearm Discharged in Elevator. Emergency System Override.   
  
Enishi:*lighting up a cigarette* NOW look what you've done.  
  
Elevator Speaker: System will reboot shortly. Please wait.  
  
Rift: Great.  
  
Elevator Speaker: We will be playing nonstop selections for your listening pleasure as you do so.  
  
Rift: Hey, WAIT -  
  
Elevator Speaker: Enjoy. *music comes on* Asereje, ja, reje-  
  
Enishi:*panicking* FIRE IN THE HOLE!  
  
Rift:*spinning both handguns again, this time with eyes blazing pure death* SHUT UP AND DIE!!! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
Tzuzuku....Again.  
March 27, 2003 - Uploaded in a seedy Net Cafe-slash-Bar at exactly 5:12 PM. 


	3. There is NO spoon

Vandread Fanfiction Mailing List Ad #3002A.  
  
Scene: Beach Landing Scene at France. Think the first few minutes of Saving Private Ryan. I'm too lazy to spell out everything for you. On second thought....*cough* We find our intrepid heroes (Eagle, Enishi, Rift, shadowD and KTX) wearing combat gear, knee-deep in water and pink paint, surrounded by unfortunate other Vanfanfic authors felled by the enemy's paint bullet barrage. shadowD, despite being only a private, is point.(the others didn't want to get hit)  
  
Felled Vanfanfic author: GOD! This is horrible! PINK! I HATE PINK!   
  
Eagle:(medic) Don't look at it! No, it's going to come off...it's not going to be permanent! It's going to be okay!   
  
Felled Vanfanfic author: Pink! The humanity! I WANT MY MOMMY!  
  
shadowD:*dodging paint bullets* Dammit! These idiots mean business! *fires back*  
  
Rift:*busily firing Ebony and Ivory, loaded with red paint bullets* Eagle, leave them. They're gone.   
  
Eagle: But...we just can't -   
  
Rift: I said they're gone. You know what to do.  
  
Eagle:*sullenly* Yes sir. *gives the felled author a cookie* Here you go. Enjoy.  
  
Felled Vanfanfanfic author: MOMMA! MOMMA - oh. Chocolate chip. *starts to eat it*  
  
KTX:*reloading his sniper rifle* Rift, they're killing us. Our armor's rusting in the beach - *points to a group of Vanguards sinking into the sand* Almost our medical supplies are run out, and half the battalions are covered in pink. Dammit, Rift, we've got no chance.   
  
Rift:*reloading, shrugging*  
  
KTX: What now, sir? *paint bomb explodes a couple of meters from them, and everybody ducks, except Rift* WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO NOW, SIR?!  
  
Rift: You don't have to shout. *holsters Ebony and Ivory, picking up Thompson* Okay. We need to get out of this beach - get to the rally point as soon as you can. Those Paint 88s shouldn't be able to keep up with us if we charge in. Just don't stay in clumps. Eagle! This is no time to make bubbles in the water! EAGLE!  
  
shadowD:*ducking* But where the hell is the rally point?  
  
Rift:*bombs explode near them* ANYWHERE BUT HERE! Enishi! Take Eagle with you - she's your top priority! Do not get our medic killed! I'll see you on that shingle!  
  
Enishi:*putting out cigarette* Gotcha. Come on, cookie girl. *carries Eagle along, running*  
  
Rift: shadowD! POINT! NOW!  
  
shadowD: But this is suicide -   
  
Rift: I SAID NOW!  
  
shadowD:*muttering darkly* Fine, fine...*moves in front of Rift, and with KTX, charge the beach, weaving, dodging paint bullets as they reach the barb-wired fence protecting the pillboxes on the beach front*  
  
Enishi: Took you long enough, Rift.  
  
Rift: I'll say. My human shield runs like a girl. *looks around* Where's Eagle?  
  
Enishi: There. She's trying to patch up DJ - she's almost used up. *shakes head* Poor kid.  
  
Rift: What a loss. *readying Thompson* KTX! shadowD!  
  
KTX: Here, sir!  
  
shadowD: Still alive...  
  
Rift:*snapping fingers* Damn.   
  
Eagle:*wiping paint remover on DJ's pink 'wounds'* No, don't look at it, you'll be fine..DJ!  
  
DJ:*swirly-eyed* Is it my bedtime now?  
  
Eagle: Don't you dare die on me, soldier....  
  
Spike:(head medic) He's gone...*throws away rag*  
  
Eagle: NO! *begins wiping furiously* There! I removed the paint! I removed the - *a thousand more paint bullets begin hitting DJ, thus covering him in pink* DAMMIT! Give us a f*censored*ing chance! Give us a chance, dammit!! YOU SICK *censored*ERS!  
  
Spike:*holding Eagle back* No! Wait, stop, Eagle-kun!  
  
Eagle:*going crazy* GODDAMN COOKIEHATERS! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!  
  
Enishi:*taking another drag from her cigarette* So, what now?  
  
Rift: First we need our medic. Get Eagle up here.  
  
KTX: EAGLE! EAGLE!  
  
shadowD: I'll get her. *runs toward eagle and drags her to the shingle, kicking and screaming*  
  
Enishi: I don't know if Dog One's on the the right or on the left...  
  
Rift: Let's see the map. Ender drew it up himself....let's see....*reads* Party A, consisting of aforementioned members, shall circumnavigate the proposed pathway as referred to in section B paragraph C, Diagram Z28...*throws map away* Well, that didn't work.   
  
KTX: I think Neuville's on the left of us, so this is Dog One. *points to path ahead of him* But we have to destroy that sniper nest up there to get to it.  
  
Rift: Alright..um...somebody get me a mirror, a bayonet and some gum.  
  
shadowD: Sounds kinky. *WHAP* HEY!  
  
Eagle:*brandishing fan* Didn't we establish the relationship of saying something stupid equals pain?  
  
shadowD: Hai...  
  
Rift:*sticking the bubble gum on the bayonet, then sticking the mirror on the bubble gum* There...um...let's see...*sticks out mirror behind the wall shingle* Three snipers, a couple of 88 machine guns....not gonna be pretty. Random Vanfanfic Author Numbers One, two, three, four! Get ready!  
  
RVA1,2,3,4: Um, what are we gonna do?  
  
Rift:*blinking* Hmm...oh, run out there, try to shoot those snipers down. No biggie.  
  
RVA1,2,3,4: Oh.  
  
Rift: On my mark.  
  
shadowD: Just dodge the bullet as it goes past you...  
  
Rift: COVERING FIRE! *all authors open fire at the sniper nest* Go, GO!   
  
RVA1,2,3,4:*runs out, and gets hit by paint bullets* ACK! PINK!  
  
KTX: It's a goddamn firing squad. Goddamn firing squad.  
  
Rift: Dammit. Okay, randam vanfanfic authors number five, six and seven. Get ready!  
  
Enishi: Why don't we just start handing out blindfolds?  
  
Ktx: Yeah, and cigarettes while we're at it.  
  
Rift: All we can do here is die...COVERING FIRE! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* Go! MOVE! MOVE!  
  
RVA5,6,7:*runs out, and gets hit as well* AAAAAAAUUUUGGHHH!! Pink...  
  
Rift:*sighing* Um, Enishi, come over here for a second, will you?  
  
Enishi: What? *comes over*  
  
Rift: See that impact crater over there? If you can get over there...  
  
Enishi: Yeah, yeah, I know. But what if I get hit?  
  
Rift: No you won't. Human shield!  
  
Silence.  
  
Rift: HUMAN SHIELD! *groans* um...wait..shadowD!  
  
shadowD: Yeah?  
  
Rift: Point runner. You. Enishi'll bring up the rear.  
  
shadowD: Okay...  
  
Rift:*turning to Enishi* See? Human shield.  
  
shadowD: HEY!  
  
Enishi:*elbowing Rift* Rift's kidding. Aren't you, Rift?  
  
Rift: Whatever. On my go. COVERING FIRE! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM* NOW!  
  
Enishi: Go! GO! *pushing shadowD in front of her*  
  
shadowD: Hey, you don't have to push...*runs in front of Enishi, and they both reach the impact crater safely - Enishi lands gracefully into the crater while shadowD gets to eat dirt*  
  
Enishi: Ooh. Are you all right?  
  
shadowD: Yeah, just fine. *spits out a considerable amount of earth* Gack.  
  
Enishi:*racking the bolt of her rifle, and aiming through the scope* Stay down, okay? Hmm...*aims at an enemy about to fire* Die. *BLAM*  
  
Enemy:*gets his head splattered with red paint* AAAUGH! I'M DEAD! I'M...oh, wait. This is just paint.  
  
Enishi:*muttering* Gotcha. *aims again* DIE! *BLAM* *KECHAK* *BLAM* *KECHAK* *BLAM*  
  
KTX:*seeing all the snipers get a helping of red paint, compliments of Enishi* Charge, Vanfanfic authors! We shall fight on the beaches - we shall fight in the fields - we shall fight in the streets - we shall fight in the hills. WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!  
  
Rift: Amen. DOG ONE EXIT! *points* RIGHT HERE! *runs forward with the rest of the remaining, non-pink authors, guns a-blazing* DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM*  
  
*Fifteen minutes and about a billion paint bullets later*  
  
Eagle:*wiping paint remover from her hands* Well, that ended nicely.  
  
Rift:*reloading Ebony and Ivory* Everyone here, then?  
  
KTX: Yeah, here.  
  
Spike: Here.  
  
Enishi: Present.  
  
shadowD: Still alive.  
  
Rift:*aghast* The hell?! How'd you -  
  
shadowD: Oh. Well, it seems that I'm tougher than you think. *sticks out tongue at Rift* HA!  
  
Rift: Well, now you're not. *takes an enemy handgun and shoots him*  
  
shadowD: HEY!  
  
Rift: MEDIC! We've got a bleeder here!  
  
shadowD: But I'm not -  
  
Rift: Tell the medics to go get the paddy wagon. This guy's gone insane. War trauma.  
  
shadowD:*gets dragged off by a couple of big MP's* WAIT! I'M NOT - I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, RIFT! SOMEDAY I WILL!  
  
*Frame Freeze of shadowD trying to attack Rift, mouth foaming*  
  
Voicebacking: Are you lonely? Tired? Sterile? Well, look no further - Vanfanfic Corporation WANTS YOU. Yes, you, slimebag. With our top facilities, fic-writing experts and whatnot, we'll make you into the man you always dreamt to be. Just look at some of our satisfied customers.  
  
*scene changes into a messy room, with a nerdy-looking guy typing furiously into his PC*  
  
Guy: Your fic sucks. Your fic sucks!!!! Go to hell!!! HA! How's that for a review-*door bursts in, and a squad of Vanfanfic authors barge through, armed with Carbines, one of them carrying a flamethrower*  
  
Vanfanfic Squad Leader: FLAME THIS, SICKO! BURN 'IM! NOW! *FOOM*  
  
Guy: What the - *gets torched by the flamethrower* AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! I'M BURNING! HEEELLLP!!!  
  
*The rest of the squad poses for the camera, smiling as the guy(currently still in flames) begins to writhe on the floor*  
  
Voicebacking: Here at Vanfanfic Inc, we make sure you get the best of everything - and we'll happily dispose of any flamers out there stupid enough to do you.  
  
Vanfanfic Squad Leader: So, you guys want original recipe, or extra crispy?  
  
Vanfanfic Squad:*laugh goodheartedly*  
  
Voicebacking: Vanfanfic Corporation. Get to work, or get shot while doing so.   
  
Scene Three: We find our intrepid group of authors stranded in the elevator - thanks to Rift's discharging of firearms, which set off a system stall. Roll call - Eagle, Enishi, KTX, shadowD, Rift and Violent_S. A potentially hazardous situation, for two are known to be extremely violent at times (Rift and Enishi), one can control Pookeyman - er, Pokemon-type creatures with his mind(shadowD), one has Cookie Infatuation Syndrome (Eagle). The other two...more or less normal.  
  
Not.  
  
However, since I'm a lazy bastard and there's just NO way I'm going to recount what they fought about inside the elevator, we travel ten minutes forward in time to see the authors scrambling out of the elevator shaft and into the Vanfanfic Author Locker Room, a place where they must change into their proper Conference outfits (changed weekly by Ender, of course. He does whatever the hell he wants)  
  
Enishi:*patting pockets for a cigarette* Well, that was fun.  
  
Rift:*passing Enishi a pack of Marlboro's* I guess so, if you could call being trapped in the dark for ten minutes with The Godforsaken Ketchup bitches screaming in your ears like banshees. *shudders* If I ever hear another song from their album I am going to have a nervous breakdown. *putting down attache case* Enishi, check the memo, will you? I don't want to see for myself what Ender wants us to wear today...  
  
Eagle:*chomping down on a cookie* Hai hai...um...etto...*reads memo* It's Kuma Tuesday today.   
  
KTX: Kuma Tuesday? Of all the...  
  
shadowD:*blinking* What? AGAIN?! *seething* I HATE those teddy bear costumes!   
  
Enishi:*lights a cig* God...so I have to spend three hours in a room full of psychos wearing a stuffed animal's skin? *puffs* Sounds like fun.  
  
Rift:*sighing* Okay, you guys suit up. I'll have a talk with Ender. He's asking for a status report, and I'm as late as it is...*puts Ivory and Ebony in shoulder holsters, wearing them just in case, and leaves*   
  
Silence.  
  
KTX: So who gets the more neutral colored bear costume?  
  
Enishi:*stubbing out her cigarette* I'd fight you for it.  
  
shadowD:*bringing out his Pokeballs* Bring it on, Sutra lady.  
  
Eagle:*bringing out her fan* Dibs on the Blue Costume! shadowD gets the pink! *WHAP*  
  
shadowD: HEY!  
  
*Scene changes to Rift knocking on the door to Ender's main office*  
  
Rift: Ender? Ender, are you there?  
  
Meia:*opens door* Oh, Rift. Come on in.  
  
Rift: Don't mind if I do. *enters, and finds Ender seated behind his huge mahogany desk, a bloody baseball bat stashed beside it* Hey, Ender.  
  
Ender:*turning around, Meia walking up beside him, massaging his shoulders* Hm.  
  
Rift: Uh...  
  
Ender: Do you want to know....*reaches for a cigar* why they want to terminate...my command? *lights cigar*  
  
Rift:*blinks, then shrugs* They say that...*coughs from cigar smoke, fanning it away with hand*...ehem! That your methods have become unsound. They say that you've gone...insane, sir. *coughs*  
  
Ender: Are my methods...unsound? Am I...insane?  
  
Rift:*shakes head* I see no such method, sir.  
  
Ender:*takes a puff from his cigar, and hands it to Meia, who throws it into a trashbin, a disgusted look on her face* Are you....an assassin?  
  
Rift:*looks at Ivory and Ebony* Oh, these are just -  
  
Ender:*cutting Rift off* Answer the question.  
  
Rift:*coughs* I'm a soldier, sir.  
  
Ender: You're neither. *standing up* You're just a fanfic writer - sent by friends to collect the review. An author, sent by friends, to protest against what they're wearing to the conference room.  
  
Rift:*blinking* Exactly. How'd you know?  
  
Ender:*shrugging* Wild guess. Sit down. Meia-san, please get us some tea.  
  
Meia:*humming* Right away. *goes back to fix tea, and in a minute, comes back* Here you go.  
  
Rift: Arigato. *sips tea* Um, Ender, about the whole Teddy Bear costume thing...  
  
Ender: Enough. I don't want to hear about it. *sips tea* Tell shadowD and the rest that I'm not paying their benefits for nothing. Either wear proper conferencing uniforms, or get shot. You all knew what you were in for when you signed the contract.  
  
Rift: What contract?  
  
Ender:*blinks* Ah...erhmm...that is...Didn't I just tell you to leave?  
  
Rift: But why should I?  
  
Ender:*sighing* Because I have a large gun and it is pointed at your head.  
  
Rift: Yes, sir. *stands up, and salutes Ender*  
  
Ender: Dismissed. *salutes back*  
  
Rift: Hai. *leaves, shaking head*  
  
Meia: Wasn't that just a bit mean? Rift did ask nicely, and that's a first...  
  
Ender: Bah. These people should know where their place is, and...*WHAP* HEY!  
  
Meia: The God Complex is beginning to go into your head again. I had to take corrective action. *giggles*  
  
Ender:...yeah. Right. *rubs head* Anyway, let's go.  
  
Cue voiceover: What happens now? Will our heroes be condemned to wearing the same stupid 'Conferencing Uniforms' the evil Dictator Ender had ordered them to wear? Will ShadowD ever get out of rehab? And will Enishi stop smoking?  
  
That, and other...er...irrelevant questions will be answered on the next chapter - SHADOWD, YOU PUNCH LIKE A GIRL!   
  
Tsuzuku. ^^ 


End file.
